Thursday, October 15, 2015

Moses Alias Julius fired

President Yameen Abdul Gayoom has fired retired General Moses Alias Julius from the post of the defense minister. The dismissal was announced after midnight by President's press secretary TV Muaz.

Reliable sources told that the President woke up from a nightmare and called Muaz.

"Does twitter work after midnight?" President Yameen asked.

"Yes. Your Excellency!" replied Muaz.

"Fire Moses Alias Julius immediately!" commanded the President.

Muaz told reporters that the reason for firing the decorated soldier and November 3rd hero is unclear because the President himself had forgotten about the details of the nightmare when the President woke up next morning.

Muaz denied the speculation that the defense minister was fired because he once went for a motorbike round with a chicken ready for slaughter.

"Riding with chicken and crossing the road with chicken are allowed in our constitution," Muaz said.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Maldives will not exist in the future: Commonwealth tells Riyaz Rasheed

Maldives will not exist in the future because of sea level rise, the Commonwealth has told Maldivian MP Riyaz Rasheed.

"In another hundred or fifty years Maldives will be submerged under the sea. We are thinking of cancelling the Commonwealth membership for Maldives because it is utterly pointless to keep a member country which will not exist in the future," Commonwealth told the MP in a letter.

Relations between the Commonwealth and the government of Maldives has reached an all time low after Vice President Mohamed Jameel Ahmed went to London to teach Queen Elizabeth how to properly pronounce Arabic words and recite Quran.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

MDP to sacrifice democracy to free Nasheed

Maldivian Democratic Party is to sacrifice democracy in the Maldives to free the party's founder and President Mohamed Nasheed, an MP representing the party said on Wednesday.

Ibrahim 'Ma-water' Shareef said MDP is going to sacrifice democracy and support the appointment of Ahmed Adeeb as the Vice President of Maldives if it results in obtaining freedom for the convicted ex-president Nasheed.

"MDP is willing to sacrifice democracy in the Maldives to obtain freedom for Nasheed. It was Nasheed who brought democracy to Maldives and it will be a small sacrifice for the sake of the father of democracy," Shareef said.

Asked if MDP was taking a huge risk by sacrificing democracy, Shareef replied: "Nasheed brought democracy to Maldives. He can always bring it back again once he is free."

Nasheed was charged with terrorism and sentenced to 11 years in prison recently in what many describe as a grossly unfair trial.

Friday, July 3, 2015

VP Jameel to teach Queen Elizabeth how to properly pronounce Arabic

Mohamed Jameel Ahmed, the Vice President of Maldives, is to teach Queen Elizabeth II how to properly pronounce Arabic and how to recite Quran. Jameel is at the moment in London.

Maldivian media has been speculating about the reasons for Jameel's abrupt visit to London but it has been confirmed by the VP's Office that he is in London as a personal tutor to the Queen.

"It is an privilege to spend this holy month of Ramadan in Buckingham Palace and teach Queen Elizabeth how to properly pronounce Arabic words and how to recite Quran," the Vice President said through a statement issued by his office.

"The knowledge of Tajweed is complicated and there are 17 Makhraj including Al-Khayshum or sounds which come from the nose and Al-Halq or sounds which come from the throat. Only an expert of Tajweed could properly coach a beginner in this knowledge," Jameel added.

Jameel had studied at Jamia Salafiyya in Faisalabad, Pakistan before completing a law degree at International Islamic University in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. He then went to the United Kingdom to complete his PhD. Jameel is as fluent as a native speaker in Urdu, Arabic and English.


Saturday, March 7, 2015

Villa College to offer free English language courses for PPM members

Villa College, the most prestigious educational institute in the Maldives, has announced that it will start offering English language courses for the members of Progressive Party of Maldives (PPM).

The college said it will offer the courses for free in an attempt to improve the English language standard of members of PPM, after a series of grammatically incorrect tweets and placards with misspellings used in protests caused embarrassment for the political party.

"After they complete our courses, PPM members' command of English will be equivalent to the Queen Elizabeth or any other native speaker of Great Britain. #PPMEnglish will be ranked in the same category as Shakespearean plays," a spokesperson for Villa College said.

Professor Qasim Ibrahim, the founder of Villa College, will teach in the English classes for PPM members.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Niuma's resignation sends Maldives into deep political crisis

The Indian Ocean island nation Maldives is reeling from a deepening political crisis ignited by the sudden resignation of Niuma Mohamed, Vice Chairperson of Maldives Film Association. In the footsteps of Niuma comes the resignation of Adam Mohamed, the president of Judicial Services Commission (JSC) and the resignation of Fathimath Shafeeqa, the CEO of Capital Market Development Authority (CMDA).

The Maldives plunged further into crisis when masked police stormed the apartment of Colonel (Retd.) Ahmed Nazim, the Minister of Defence. The police produced a search warrant and searched the apartment for two hours before leaving with evidence allegedly for an investigation regarding terrorism.

Analysts believe President Yameen Abdul Gayoom is wary of Nazim, who is also the acting minister of health, after the recent presidential elections in Sri Lanka saw the incumbent Mahinda Rajapaksa defeated by his former health minister in a late bid for presidency.

It is not yet clear why Niuma, a famous actress, decided to resign, causing a shocking chain of events. Sources close to Niuma say she is heartbroken over the recent decision by Minister of Tourism Ahmed Adeeb to let her arch-rival Suneetha Ali join on stage with Priyanka Chopra when the Bollywood superstar and former Miss World visited the Maldives.

Monday, March 3, 2014

IGMH transfuses HIV-positive blood to Saudi Crown Prince

The largest government-run hospital in Maldives, Indira Gandhi Memorial Hospital (IGMH), has transfused HIV-positive blood to Saudi Crown Prince Salman Bin Abdul Azeez Al Saud.

"This is the saddest incident in the history of IGMH," Deputy CEO Dr Habeeb told reporters at a press conference held at midnight.

The Crown Prince was on a state visit to the Indian Ocean islands. He had planned to spend a holiday in a luxurious resort after meeting with the government officials.

A laboratory technician of Iranian nationality has been arrested, according to local press.

"We can confirm that a laboratory technician has been arrested under a criminal investigation," Commissioner of Police Hussain Waheed said. He declined to comment on the rumours that the technician had been earlier fired for negligence from a nuclear facility in Iran.

Health minister Mariyam Shakeela said she will not resign, downplaying what appears to be the biggest diplomatic row Maldives has faced since gaining independence in 1965.

"I have apologized to the Crown Prince and his family. I have also told him that the government of the Maldives will bear all expenses of any treatment the Crown Prince has to undergo from now on. This is a very sad and unfortunate incident but resignation is not a solution," Shakeela said.

The Crown Prince's press secretary Sheikh Masoud Al Imad Bin Al Shaheed Al Zuhair Al Mundhoodh has revealed more details about the incident.

"The Crown Prince did not visit IGMH to reccieve a blood transfusion. He went there to donate his blood. The Prince has been receiving numerous donation requests from the government of Maldives, including a request for a 300 million dollar loan. The prince is a generous philanthropist but he decided to donate his blood first, as a gesture of good will, and to connect the people of our brotherly two countries through the pure blood of the House of Saud," Al Mundhoodh clarified.

A serious mishap seems to have happened at IGMH when the Crown Prince was mistaken for another patient and given a blood transfusion which turned out to be HIV-positive. 

Al Mundhoodh denied the rumours which are spreading in the Maldives that the Crown Prince has a special fondness for women of Eastern Europe and the Russian Federation.

"Blaming the victim is not a solution. As the heir to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and as a Prince groomed from the beginning to be the guardian of the two holy mosques, Prince Salman embodies the best virtues. We regret the rumours being spread in the Maldives to divert the focus from the terrible incident," an indignant Al Mundhoodh said.

The incident has eroded the confidence of Maldivian people on IGMH. Pregnant women say they would rather give birth at home than visit the largest public hospital. The demand for midwives and spiritual healers has increased overnight.

Moussa Nasim, a taxi driver, said he was apprehensive about going to IGMH for any type of treatment. He said, however, that he was more worried that Saudi Arabia might stop the donation of dates during the month of Ramadan.

"Without dates from Saudi Arabia, Ramadan will never be the same," he said as he charged me 50 rufiya, double the fare charged for a taxi ride in the 100% Muslim country.